When and why did we ever stop making mixes? I used to have a mix for everything! A road trip mix, a workout mix, a makeout mix, hell one time I even had a breakup mix (fuck off, so did you). Now in an Ipod/Pandora/Spotify world, it seems “mix tapes” have gone the way of the Buffalo.
After unpacking a few things in my new SoCal home, I came across a cd case that contained an old “lets get naked mix” from back in ’06, and not to toot my own horn, but it was pretty damn good. I thought “why the hell didn’t ever sit down and perfect this?” Well the truth is, a true sex mix can’t ever be perfect. Just like sex itself, each partner has different tastes and styles. So I have come up with 3 different mixes with 3 different common situations that you might find yourself in. Chances are one of these bad boys is gonna work real well for you.
This will be a 3 part series, with each mix being customized for common sexual situations. Also it will be written from a guys (mine) perspective, so naturally if you are a women, this will all be complete bullshit to you.
THE GREATEST MIX TO INTERCOURSE TO PART 1
Sexual Situation: Perfect for your 3rd or 4th time with someone you really care about, and see the relationship growing, or some super hot cougar you picked up and need to act super mature in the sack.
Best If Used After: A really nice dinner with wine or martinis. Also perfect if you are planning to bone on a bear rug next to a fire.
Sextion 1: Foreplay
-You need to start real slow and make sure your partner is relaxed. This first sextion should give you about 15 minutes to start the party.
1. Sigur Ros, Staralfur (These guys are a super trippy Icelandic band I heard about from Tommy Lee. I can’t explain them.. Just light some candles and start out with this shit. Trust me.)
2. Mazzy Star, Fade Into You (Chicks have been droppin panties to this track since 1994. It’s a must)
3. Incubus, Aqueous Transmission (Chicks like to make out to Incubus. FACT)
4. Enya, Fire And Ice (If you’re a dude you are probably thinkin “Enya? Totally gay, bro!” Well I say not if you are having sex while it’s playing, and the tune is sexy as shit and has great rhythm.. if you get my drift)
Sextion 2: Lets Get It On
-Time to get to business, but remember it’s not a race. Keep it slow, and keep it sexy. Snoogins!
5. Fat Freddy’s Drop, Ray Ray (These guys are killer beach band from Hawaii, and it keeps the beat going from the previous sextion)
6. Fiona Apple, O’ Sailor (As a dude, Fiona does nothing for me in the sack, but the ladies react well and feel comfortable. Hopefully this will buy you a few extra minutes.. you know what I mean)
7. Bush, Glycerine (3 words. INSTANT PANTY SOUP)
8. Live, Lakini’s Juice (This is where you need to start your exit strategy. You don’t want this shit to go on all day because Sports Center is gonna be on in like 10 minutes. This track will step up the beat and the mood a bit)
Sextion 3: Thank You, Cum Again
-Now is the time to finish up, and transition into the “cuddle”, or “it’s time for you to go” phase. Use your best judgement for song usage
9. Nine Inch Nails, We’re In This Together (make sure to climax before about the halfway point, because then shit gets loud and weird, giving you partner the subtle hint that it’s time to move on)
10. John Hiatt, Cry Love (Perfect if it’s time to cuddle #nohomo)
11. Rolling Stones, Gimmie Shelter (This track is very versatile. Use at your discretion)
12. HIM, Wings Of A Butterfly (Another versatile track)
There you have it. “The Rockstar Radio Greatest Mix To Intercourse To”. Now go forth and use what I have given you and let me know how it works, and of course comment on any tweaks you might suggest. \,,/